Britain’s Got Talent semi-finals, ITV1

Friday
How we rated them

1. Escala: four pretty ladies handled their instruments with deftness and finesse during a lively Live and Let Die.
2. Craig Harper: the over-emotional “killing mesself for me kids” northern comic spoofed Shirley Bassey and Enrique Iglesias superbly. His Barry White sucked, though.
3. Nemesis: Urban street dancers who are nowhere near as good as Flava who were dumped earlier in the week.
4. Caburlesque: dance troupe who’re strictly for the lovers of stockings, suspenders and basques.
5. Madonna Decena: the queen of the sob story displayed an unexceptional voice on The Greatest Love of All.
6. Per Diem: the “normal lads from Liverpool” were shaky at best and the two buzzers came as no surprise.
7. Anya Sparks: Letting this fat dancer embarrass herself again was exploitative. Top marks for the male totty backing dancers, though.
8. Diva Las Vegas: unspectacular cabaret.
Who got through:
Escala won the viewer vote; Nemesis beat Craig Harper in the judges’ vote

Thursday
How we rated them

1. Andrew Muir: the Scottish singing plumber didn’t have the innocence of the audition that made him so likeable but he still shone.
2. Jeremy Lynch: sadly his football juggling wasn’t faultless but we like his act.
3. Faryl Smith: the 12-year-old songbird’s song wasn’t exactly a crowd pleaser but she’s an amazing, albeit rather chilly singer. Will probably win the final, but won’t get our vote.
4. Boogie Babes: the best of the freaky kiddie dancers we’ve seen this week, helped by the fact that their track was McFly’s Don’t Stop Me Now.
5. James Stone: an accomplished but unexciting performance of that tired talent show staple You Can Leave Your Hat On.
6. Vizage: their quick costume changes are amazing but nothing else about their act is.
7. Charlie Wernham: “A 13-year-old ordinary lad like me” told some reasonable jokes but he’s hard to like.
8. Harlquins: Irish dancing horror.
Who got through:
Faryl Smith won the viewer vote; Andrew Muir beat Jeremy Lynch in the judges’ vote

Wednesday
How we rated them

1. George Sampson: the best act so far with his brilliant dance routine during a funked up, soaking wet version of Singin’ In The Rain.
2. Strike: A bare-chested bonus as the martial arts dancers stripped off early to flash those powerful pecs.
3. Hoop La La: the best novelty act of the series, providing huge fun with their Holding Out For A Hero routine.
4. Charlie Green: the jazz singing kid is far too slick and confident for his age but his talent is undeniable.
Equal last: Deans Of Magic: amateurish magic.
Equal last: Urban Gypsies: bosom-heaving bellydancing nonsense.
Equal last: Irresistible: nostalgic singers who are only of clubland standard.
Equal last: Mary Halford March: nauseating kiddie dancers.
Who got through:
George Sampson won the viewer vote; Strike beat Charlie Green in the judges’ vote

Tuesday
How we rated them

1. Cheeky Monkeys: even our icy, cynical hearts couldn’t hold out against the sheer joyfulness of these crazy kids, throwing themselves around to a song called Lollipop.
2. Flava: they should have saved their audition piece for the semi-finals because that was tight and amazing; this routine made the bunch of West Country kids seem like just another dance troupe.
3. Andrew Johnston: We’re no experts but suspect that the experts would find lots of faults in the shy choirboy’s voice. If I Saw You In Heaven was a good choice of song, though, and his performance was awkward but stunning.
4. Kay & Harvey: you can’t fault Kay’s voice on You Raise Me Up; Harvey’s plodding piano didn’t help, though.
5. Iona the contortionist. Impressive but not very nice to watch.
6. Bang On: we’ve seen many better percussion performances.
7. Mandy Ellen Dancers: scantily clad children who are “inspirational to your generation,” reckons Amanda.
8. Sauris Nandi: the very amateur magician who should have disappeared at the audition stage.
Who got through:
Andrew Johnston won the viewer vote; Cheeky Monkey beat Flava in the judges’ vote

Monday
How we rated them

1. Kate & Gin: the northern lass/exuberant dog double act were so accomplished, making a lie of Don’t Feel Like Dancin’.
2. Tracy Lee Collins: not the best drag act we’ve ever seen, but we couldn’tt help warming to Hey Big Spender.
3. Sophie Mei: a bellydancing sensation (but do we need one). We’d have liked to have seen a bit more of the trunked hunks who accompanied her.
4. Signature: Thriller meets Bollywood and is reasonably entertaining.
5. Dean Wilson: probably wouldn’t have got very far in Any Dream Can Do, but the beefcake boy did an accomplished version of There’s A Place For Us.
6. Phil Blackmore: juggling while chewing on a barbecue is quite impressive yet strangely unentertaining.
7. Boogie Wonderland performing Carwash: the sort of dance act you’d expect to see in a holiday camp.
8. Michael Machell: the man with a diploma in music claims the Star Wars theme tune “isn’t spacey enough so I’ve made it more spacey.” No, you’ve made it sound “totally and utterly monstrous,” said Simon Cowell just as we were thinking the same thing.
Who got through:
Signature won the viewer vote; Kate & Gin beat Dean Wilson in the judges’ vote.

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