Big Brother Launch Show, Channel 4

Did we like it?
In a way, yes. Almost everyone is so horrendous that there’s no way we’re going to be watching all the way through to September. Thanks, Channel 4. You have saved us from wasting hours of viewing time over 93 days and from having to indulge in countless mindless conversations. Phew.

So who’s in there?
1 Reader’s wife
2 Reader/Sylvester Stallone
3 Ashley from Corrie/William Hague/definitely not Justin Timberlake
4 silly girl
5 silly girl
6 fanny-nailing geezer
7 silly girl
8 The Gay/Gary Glitter/Tubbs from League of Gentlemen
9 Blind Man in a Kaftan
10 silly girl in a nightie
11 silly boy
12 Toy Demonstrator with an Afro
13 silly girl
14 The Albino
15 silly girl
16 Nancy Lam

What was good about it?
• We have a little soft spot for Rebecca, the over-excited one who bounced around and screamed.
• Maybe Dale will look good with his top off.
• The diary room chair. Very Blake’s Seven.
• The use of a George Formby track during Luke’s introduction.

What was bad about it?
• Seeing a bunch of youngsters who all think they are special acting exactly like all the others. It was extremely difficult to work out who we despised most, but we’ll settle for the Geordie girl with Daily Mail opinions.
• We’re supposed to excuse Mikey his stupidity because he’s blind. But we shan’t. We won’t regard him like a sick puppy as his fellow housemates did as soon as they saw his white stick.
• Once again, gay people are represented by a screaming Scottish queen – Dennis – who looks like a 50-year-old who has had a facelift.
• The pretend couple mystery task; the zero tolerance nonsense; the “luxury”/basic bedroom divide; and the promise of a fake wedding on Sunday don’t exactly smack of great imaginative efforts by the producers.
• Davina was as appalling as ever, screaming a lot and saying nothing of interest. Will that woman never grow up? We trust she was including herself in her opening yell: “You know what? Britain’s NOT got talent!”
• “I’m thick as fook”
• Davina namedropping Chris Moyles as if he was someone important.

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