Did we like it?
The TV equivalent of falling on your head, getting up and shaking your aching bonce only to hear the shattered fragments of your brain and skull rattling around inside.
What was good about it?
• We watched the morning repeat on Channel 4 that meant our senses were largely anaesthetised to the agony and so were able to watch almost this entire sorry broadcast.
What was bad about it?
• The hosts. Zezi Ifore presents the show as if conducting the finer rites of an exorcism, but this can partially be excused by her rawness, which makes her exchanges with George Lamb seem as though she’s the work experience girl filling in during a rehearsal (“Steph’s only 19 – that’s twice Mario’s age!”); or rather it would if we believed that a single minute’s preparation went into this show.
• Lamb, on the other hand, has no such excuses. He bellows into the camera as if presenting dispatches from the fringes of a war zone and gives ample evidence why listeners to Six Music regard him as the Anti-Christ made flesh.
• Lamb also promotes the heinous semantic crime of the idiot’s continuous verb. “Are you agreeing with that?” he cheerleads with all the dumbness of a disembodied rictus grin with a tongue lolling out like a British sunbather. How can you be “agreeing” with something? You either agree or disagree unless you’re a vacillating automaton gobbling up whichever saccharine opinion your capricious sensuality tells you to.
• “The guys from Hollyoaks” in the studio, the ruptured appendix of chat show guests. In between being herded about the studio like a pair of dozy bullocks ripe for slaughter, the female even had the nerve to say: “I hope Steph doesn’t have any ambitions to be an actress.”
• Even worse was Michelle Bass. At least we think it was Michelle Bass, it really could have been any half-eaten gangrenous corpse hooked from a London nightclub that has a VIP area set up to corral fame-ravenous vermin into their own exclusive pit.
• Viewers sending in brainless text messages, and the presenters then reading them out with a reverence more commonly reserved for the Ten Commandments. Sending a text message to decadent, grasping shows such as this are akin to flipping a pound coin into Richard Branson’s conniving, toothy maw as you walk past his 200 foot yacht that’s just about to disembark for his private Caribbean island.
• One of the messages on the forum declared, with no more evidence than that which convicted Josef K, “Steph fancies Dale!” This prompted Lamb to herald, “A love triangle, everybody!” “Woooo!” came the response.
• George Lamb: “Big Brother is very strict this year!” And “strict” is seen as a virtue to improving the malformed morass of last year’s fiasco. But wasn’t BB supposed to be “evil” that year? Or was that the year before? (Which was just as feeble.) When will the producers realise that bored people make for boring television – why not stimulate their minds, let them read books for an hour or so a day, don’t ration music to make it seem like Christmas and worst of all, stop giving them alcohol to induce a reaction when they’re so soaked with lassitude that they can’t knit more than two words together.