Soccer Aid, ITV1

Team ratings

England 4
David Seaman: Endured the agony of seeing a clumsy chip from an obscure French actor join Ronaldinho and Nayim in the gallery of glorious miskicked goals to sail over his head. 6

Des Walker: Always wore a grimace in his playing days, which returned in spades when he limped off early on. 5

Ben Shephard: With year after year of syrupy, inoffensive interviewing on GMTV that is so timid he’d probably kick off an interview with Hitler by asking him about his fashionable moustache, it?s little wonder that he has as much stored-up aggression as ascetic Catholic priests have spunk in their bollocks. 7

Angus Deayton: Nominally the England right back, his role was to cause Luis Figo to slightly change direction the way suspicious fools dodge the cracks in the pavement. 3

Robbie Williams’ Best Friend Jonathan Wilkes: The friend of the ex-Take That totem pole of gelatinous gluttony took his only TV appearance we’ve seen this year about five thousand times more seriously than every body else. After being wounded by a Nicky Byrne tackle, the best friend of Robbie Williams scored the winner after everyone missed his scuffed free kick. 6

Chris Fountain: Each time he ran down the wing it was as if a mutated potato with legs was making a break for freedom from the inexorable blades of the merciless plough. 6

Danny Jones: Even though his hair would be put to better use snaring cod from the bottom of the North Sea, the McFly guitarist was the best celebrity on view, capping his performance with a lofted cross that Alan Shearer headed home. 8

Jamie Redknapp: Had a lesser role in proceedings than his dad, who managed the England team, and his wife, who twittered inane twaddle to his dad in pitchside “interviews”. 5

Craig David: Despite resembling five cocktail sticks strapped together like a grotesque corporate effigy, the ridiculed mule shoulder-charged human tank Jaap Stam off the ball before skying the ball over the bar. 6

Teddy Sheringham: Scored the first goal, and then proceeded to make a fine pass and then stand around for the next ten minutes imagining how Clive Tyldesley was masturbating over how Teddy has “the first ten yards in his head”, before once more recalling “that night in Barcelona”. 6

Alan Shearer: The former England captain scored twice and reminded everyone watching that even though Emile Heskey can’t kick it straight, he can at least run for 20 metres without collapsing into a crumpled heap of age. 7?

Subs:
Jamie Theakston: Still under the illusion than a puerile smile is the correct response to every social situation, including plucking crosses out of the air under pressure from Romario. 6

Graeme Le Saux: Played well on the promise of an ice cream and lashings of ginger beer, but refused to don his romper suit after the match and was sent to his cot with no story. 7

Kyran Bracken: A man with no head, legs or torso – simply a public school haircut atop a pair of bullying shoulders. 4 (deducted two marks for appearing on Celebair)

Hugo Speer: Played like a tipsy partygoer who has accidentally stumbled into a dust-up between a pair of notorious gangs. Was rescued after 27 minutes. 4

Gareth Gates: Has adopted a haircut that more resembles a recreation of the mud and rain of Ypres than an Elvis quiff. So flimsy a teenage girl could have thrown a six-year-old poster of the fallen idol onto the pitch and it would have offered more penetration. 2

Tom Feltham: Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter films. Kriss Akabusi must have been busy. 5

Rest of the World 3

Claudio Tafferel: Bald Brazilian goalkeeper. Wore a smile of cultural superiority that only someone who has won the World Cup can pull off. Now worse than Paul Robinson. 4

Jaap Stam: Suffered a humiliation greater than his sky rocket penalty shoot-out miss at Euro 2000 when he was shoulder charged off the ball by Craig David, a man who makes a house of cards resemble a nuclear bunker. 5

Gordon Ramsay: He was injured in the corresponding fixture two years ago, and hilariously pulled a hamstring in the sequel after about five minutes. He then spent the next couple of minutes finding a place on the pitch that would afford the cameras the best view of his decaying frame. If he were a pig, he would have been inhumanely slaughtered in the changing room before being ground up for cattle feed. 2 (deducted one mark for the self-pitying melodrama)

Gethin Jones: So anonymous he could dance under the limbo bar of obscurity record set by Big Brother’s Rex Newmark. 5

Antonio Cabrera: Played the precognitive artist chap in Heroes, even though he sounds as if he should be selling newspapers outside Kings Cross station. 7

Nicky Byrne: A dogged midfield performance, with a few decent long-range efforts and a moment when he dived into Robbie Williams’ Best Friend with a desire to wound. Sadly, he is still in Westlife, which makes him less appealing than gonorrhoea. 3

Gilles Marini: Most notable for commentator Clive Tyldesley’s salivating imagining of the shower scene the actor shared with Kim Cattrall, made more amusing by Clive?s assumption that 50-year-old harridans are in any way attractive, especially when they star in the second worst film of all time after Dirty Dancing. 7

Kenny Logan: Less a former Scottish rugby international, more an axe suffering from an incurable case of Viking berserkergang. He chopped his way about the pitch, embedding himself deeply into the calves, shins and testicles of anything born south of Hadrian’s Wall. 4

Paolo Di Canio: Taking time away from practising his fascist salutes and making coquettish come-hither eyes at West Ham, he scored two decent goals. 8

Luis Figo: After about ten minutes the Inter Milan and Portugal legend worked out that if he ran in a straight line towards the opposition goal he would face little resistance from the TV presenter duo of Angus Deayton and Ben Shephard. Subbed at half-time. 9

Romario: A World Cup-winning forward who has scored more than a thousand career goals couldn’t find a way past a breakfast DJ with a penchant for S&M. 5

Subs:
Brian Lara: Came on early after the injury to Des Walker and transferred his cricketing genius to the football field with ease. 7

Bryan McFadden: Plays football as though he’s got a pair of swords for feet. 2

Rodrigo Santora: No, us neither. 5

Franco Baresi: A field marshal forced to muck in with the privates in the trenches. Had that bemused look of someone who has just been pulled from a hospital bed to escape the inferno raging through the clinical wards. 5

Alastair Campbell: Five years after his role in sending the nation to war based on fabricated documents, the 51-year-old pile of sweaty leather coats with balls of coughed-up tobacco in the pockets discarded at a central London party for innocuous media-types was revealed as a serial delusionist as he tried to take on former England left back Graeme Le Saux for pace. Minus 9

Ian Rush: Once the world’s best striker, now less effective than the bones of Julius Caesar. 3

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