Prisoner: X, Virgin1

Did we like it?
We got to see Will Mellor’ arse. It was firm. We got to hear Will Mellor “describing” life in Barbados’ toughest (possibly only) prison. That was flabby.

What was good about it?
• Will’s arse. (“I felt naked in more ways than one,” he declared as he showered for our delectation).

What was bad about it?
• “I’m about to live and breathe prison life,” Will promised. How brave. Oh, he hasn’t finished: “…for the next four days.” How pathetic.
• Will’s inability to express himself. “Bit of an eye opener” was about the best he could manage while meeting a death row inmate, getting a drubbing from the guards and getting an eyeful of a freaky penis with little plastic balls inserted along the not inconsiderable length (it’s called a boogaloo) to makethe girls have multiple orgasms (in the absence of girls, we guess cellmates have the pleasure instead).
• Will’s inability to eicit any interesting insights from the inmates. Solitary is “lonely”, he discovered with journalistic tenacity.
• The prison didn’t seem very menacing at all, however much Will tried to make out that it was hell on earth with stodgy rice for lunch. We got to sit in on some prison justice being meted out to one of the villains who had… killed a cellmate in a barbaric way – no; set fire to his cell – no; called a guard stupid – yes.
• Virgin1 are selling this show as a “groundbreaking new series”. Ha ha ha.
• He’s no Danny Dyer, the master of this working class lads-meets-thugs genre.
• He’s not even as good as Ross Kemp in mixing it with the hard nuts.

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