Did we like it?
As disco nights go, it was more scout hut and cider than Studio 54 and champagne, but week four of the live finals did have some shiny happy moments.
What was good about it?
• These performances: Diana, who somehow managed to retain some credibility performing Call Me while sitting down with her legs wide open and crotch showing – so unladylike, dear – and having rollerskaters whizz around her; Laura the roarer’s Somebody Else’s Guy (pity about the dog’s breakfast attire); Ruth’s No More Tears (Enough Is Enough) which was a divaish delight (but she loses points for banging on about what she calls a throat infection and callous Simon calls a cold); Alexandra’s On The Radio (the topless men helped), a performance which would raise the roof at G-A-Y (if it hadn’t closed)
• Will Young is such a sweetie. He was nice to the contestants and then he was nice to us by letting us hear his new single.
• Brian Friedman came up with some decent dance routines (“the most beautiful choreography I’ve ever seen,” said Cheryl in her overstating way). We loved the four topless hunks cavorting around Alexandra. Can they come back next week, please?
• Laughing at Eoghan for singing the “Come into my arms” lyric to his two male dancers.
What was bad about it?
• These performances: Rachel’s Lost in Music (frumpy hairstyle, clumpy dancing, lumpy vocals – plus the problem with forgetting the opening line even though it is the title of the song); Austin’s drab Wishing On A Star, which got a pot-kettle-black review from Lousy Louis – “There’s a likability missing”; Daniel’s Don’t Leave Me This Way, even though it was, surprisingly, his least worst performance (more Jimmy Savile than Jimmy Sommerville); Eoghan’s Could It Be Magic (it wasn’t despite the distracting High School Musical routine); and JLS’s Working My Way Back To You, which earned a good reaction yet we found Aston’s lead vocal was wishy washy.
• The result. Daniel the Bereaved Husband is obviously picking up sod-the-judges votes, so Austin and Rachel were in the bottom two. He was captivating performing Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? (for his mother!!!); she did a no-drama No Drama. He got chucked out. A mistake. But at least he took it like a man, with dignity rather than his trademark blubbing.
• “It’s literally murder on the dancefloor,” promised Dermot The Wasted Talent. Did a knife get plunged into Lousy Louis’s back? Was Dannii throttled? Did one of the contestants bring their mother along and stab her frenziedly to raise their sympathy factor status? Sadly, no. It merely seems that Dermot doesn’t know the meaning of the word “literally”.
• The charity single nonsense.
• The excitement among the contestants about going to the James Bond film premiere was sad and mindless. We worry about the voids in the lives of the sort of people who crave that sort of lifestyle
• Lousy Louis’s indignant, childish replies to Simon’s putdowns.
• Daniel’s wink. That’ll give us nightmares. And his new stagefright sob story.
• Dannii’s homophobic “joke” about Lousy Louis stealing Ruth’s red dress
• The absence of “you nailed it”. We did get a sprinkling of “comfort zones, though.