The X Factor, ITV1

Did we like it?
Being allergic to Mariah Carey, her convoluted vocals and schmaltzy songs, we were unlikely enjoy Mariah Carey night, but we were a bit suprised that we ended up hating almost every minute. The world’s most success female recording artist of all time has recorded some terrible tosh and forcing the contestants to cover her tracks was cruel and not very entertaining.

What was good about it?
• Alexandra’s stunning, disctinctive version of Without You, which is a Harry Nilsson song that Carey happened to cover.
• Laughing at the contestants as they stepped up to get their lilttle hug from Carey. They’d obviously been told not to kiss the diva and therefore treated her like a ghastly aunt with halitosis and too much lipstick.
• Diana was allowed to go through to next week despite being unable to perform due to a throat infection.
• The result after the sing-off. Ruth was sensational with Knocking On Heaven’s Door, as she was a few weeks back with Purple Rain, so she totally blew away Laura’s lightweight Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
• Laughing at the way the piano continued to play even when Laura got up from the keyboard.

What was bad about it?

• All the charity single nonense.
• Carey performing her new single (and shamelessly plugging her album) and her version of Hero with all the warmth of a snowman suffering from ‘flu.
• Lousy Louis sniping at Little Miss Showbiz (a flu-suffering Cheryl Cole) and quoting Barack Obama.
• The flat, flaccid performances by freaky faced Eoghan (even with a choir to help him through Anytime You Need a Friend), Ruth (My All was painful rather than poignant), Laura, who, yet again, only makes a cursory attempt at pronouncing the lyrics properly during Endless Love, Rachel (Against All Odds was a haywire horror), JLS (woeful One Sweet Day) and Daniel (dreary song we cannot remember).
• The sympathy factor was cranked up to overload tonight – and Daniel didn’t even get to mention his dead wife (we bet he was annoyed not to get to sing Without You with tears tumbling down his ruddy cheeks). Attempting to gain votes by playing on viewers’ emotions were Eoghan (brand new baby sister), Ruth (mum’s scarf), Laura (nasty Simon and her possibly still alive grandad) and Rachel (my children).
• Simon drooling over Ruth’s knockers, stuck out to the fore again tonight.

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