The most annoying talking heads appearing on The Most Annoying People 2008
1. Ashley Pearson. “I’ll give Tilda Swinton credit for her talent,” she prissed. We’re sure that Tilda is ecstatic that a woman who resembles the excised, inflated sore-ridden stomach of a kangaroo, with eyes as lifeless as the first ever creature to die on planet earth will “give her credit”. She also said it wouldn’t shock her if an ex of Britney Spears had made a sex tape, and then proceeded to disparage him as if it became fact the moment the thought formed in her mind.
2. OJ Borg. Such a failure of humanity that God is already stomping back to the shop he bought us all from waving OJ like a lanky rag doll as an example for the irretrievable worthlessness of a entire species.
3. Amanda Platell. Looks as if she’s been dragged from Easter Island to pout like a sick cliff on the verge of crumbling into the sea under the weight of its own precipitous piety. “I can’t think of a worse home secretary than Jacqui Smith!” she crowed. This is the vernacular of the political journalist who relies on public apathy to government officials, and assumes they will meekly agree rather than offer the rejoinder, “what about John Reid, Charles Clarke, Michael Howard, Leon Brittan…”
4. Maggot & Eggsy. The rotting flotsam of Goldie Lookin’ Chain. Maggot could pass for a dog’s corpse, while Eggsy resembles the malformed foetus of a Great White Shark.
5. Lucie Cave. Now ‘executive editor’ at Heat, she is as culturally worthless as a torn paper bag, half-trodden into a drain.
6. Des Kelly. A sports journalist who doesn’t so much speak as drip molten effigies of the hunchback of Notre Dame from his supercilious lips. He said of Cristiano Ronaldo’s proposed transfer to Real Madrid: “The way he handled it was appalling, and that’s what set most people against him.” Incorrect, the inflamed hatred was already apparent because he plays for Manchester United, and the transfer simply provided the dunces who ‘hate’ footballers with a focus for their ire.
7. Zoe Hardmann. “Blake Fielder-Civil is such a complete and utter moron,” she flounced without eliciting a single ounce of self-awareness. “He then allegedly sold pictures of his wife; that’s just the lowest of the low!” No, the lowest of the low in this fetid sphere is assuming that “allegedly” means absolute truth and then making stupid statements of ostensible fact based on unproven allegations. Although, outlaw this practice and the gossip magazine industry would plummet faster than the housing market.
8. Steve Bunce. A bloated exclamation mark forever on the precipice of exploding with faux outrage in a shrill womanly voice that would scare cats. “[Michael] Phelps is annoying because he is so boring!” he spluttered, immediately disqualifying his opinion on everything for all eternity, as people who belittle others as “boring” simply want to coerce them into becoming a homogenised clone of normality like themselves.
9. Julia Hartley-Brewer. A political journalist who expressed a belief there is a link between coordinating eyebrow and hair colour and coordinating the British economy and that “Tilda Swinton isn’t pretty enough to go and TV and not wear make-up”. Next week, she might as well complain that the people massacred in the Israeli air strikes should have visited a taxidermist before planting their supine, bloodied corpses in scope of press photographers.
10. Ted Casablanca. Continents move with more agility than his face as he squeezes out paragraphs like an anaconda disgorging the bony remnants of a capybara.
11. Camilla Tominey. Her very existence is enough for a contemporary endorsement of the brutality of the French Revolution. She speaks with such elitist distance as though she imagines the poor can digest paving stones. The sort of person who you imagine carries their brain around in an expensive handbag.
12. Piers Hernu. A one-man advert for permission for society to effect abortion up to the age of 46. Of the Spanish basketball team making slitty-eyed gestures in a photo, the former editor of Front exclaimed: “This kind of idiocy needs to be held up to the light!”
13. Tina Dirmann. “Ricky Martin should get a room full of hookers, and have loads of babies! That would kill the rumours!” Where to start with this unpleasant little madam. Why should anybody want to liaise with a prostitute to “kill” rumours started by an industry for whom spite is its lifeblood? Such actions would simply be reported with the same snide tone, and then there would be a stampede to secure ‘exclusive’ rights to the babies – who look very much like all other babies – and millions of fools buying gossip magazines.
14. Dave Holmes. “Literally the whole world knows that Sharon Stone’s kid’s feet smell!” No, it doesn’t. The ‘whole world’ may absorb such information but will dispense with it seconds later – only idiots with less cerebral activity than a dead bee curled up in a snail’s discarded shell bother to retain these details.
15: Ortis Daley. Exemplified his own absolute irrelevance when he chortled: “I saw pictures of Naomi’s [Campbell] receding hairline. I couldn’t stare at them for long through my tears of laughter!” The testimony of a peasant enraptured with mirth at a single crumb tangled in the beard of a merciless tyrant.
16. Hannah Fernando. “What was Rupert Everett thinking when he criticised our troops?” she wailed, trying to incite opinions in her brain that deal with things other than idiot culture; an improbability given that words travel from her brain to her mouth with the speed of a mole burrowing through granite.
17. Emma Jones. The Greek government should employ her to report from the riot-strewn streets of Athens as her voice grates so much she could clear vultures from a zebra cadaver
18. Paul MacInnes. An ignored pile of shy leaves that has been swept into the corner of the municipal park and is slowly burning; crackling unobtrusively.
19. Heidi Parker. A woman who speaks in such banalities it wouldn’t be a surprise if her teeth marched out on strike at having to be party to such inhuman working conditions.
20. Becky Baeling. “You don’t want to hear about Helen Mirren being coked-up!” she squealed, as if calling for the death penalty for anyone with wrinkles.
21. Paul Lester. A music journalist with eyes that look as if they were scooped from a bargain basement bin at the Woolworths closing-down sale. And opinions that need to be carbon-dated so stuck in the past are they. Such as his belief that you couldn’t say Pete Doherty was “a talentless twerp” in 2007 because of some widespread disease of cowardice among the amorphous London music press, a body of (mostly) men whose philosophy is as much an anachronism as the belief that witches don’t drown.
22. Lucy Siegle. Bleated about Eurovision being fixed as if this was the first time the Eastern Bloc had block voted, like a little girl with grazed knees and kiss curls who has just discovered that slugs taste horrible and wants to tell the whole world. She also mused that Sarah Palin is “more manly than any male leader. And that is truly terrifying”, following the tradition of this show of making something up and then speculating on it as if it were fact.
23. John Bishop. Enunciates with all the dexterity of a calf being pulled from its mother’s womb with a lasso.
24. Heather Cocks & Jo Morgan. Pigs wouldn’t drink swill from Heather’s unclean opinions, while listening to Jo is like being strangled with a washing line.
25. Martel Maxwell. Made a presumption about the conduct of Lynne (mother of Britney) Spears, and then vilified her for it based solely on her puerile speculation.
26. Dr Christian Jessen. “Fern Britton is a public figure who can help all my patients!” he exclaimed on Fern’s weight loss. Perhaps instead of hoping that passable daytime TV presenters can “help” his patients, he might instead want to send them for a lobotomy to remove that part of their brain that is enslaved to the whims of neo-celebrity futility.
27. Kevin O’Sullivan. “Everyone hates Ashley Cole!” he trumpeted. The only people who ‘hate’ Ashley Cole are those same morons who can’t tell the difference between football and reality. The fact that Cole was unfaithful to his parasite of a wife only makes him as loathsome as every other single man and woman who has committed adultery.
28. Joe Mott. Had nothing of interest to say, but resembled a grass who has had appalling plastic surgery so he can remain incognito.
28. Dan Wootton. Sits scrunched up as if he spent the first 25 years of his life in a parcel.
The best talking heads:
1. Miranda Sawye
2. Andrew Collins
3. Kerry Godliman