Did we like it?
We’ve always been semi-detached Big Brother fans (recording it and skipping through the hideous bits) so we know what to expect. The housemates are the usual selection of lovable ones, loathsome ones and the others who’ll barely register on the radar.
The weakness, as ever, is screeching Davina who, wearing a gorilla costume, opened up with the lame “The egos have landed” (no points for originality, Dav), stuttered through a tour of the house and then got stupidly carried away while making the introductions.
We’re also unhappy that scarce resources are being wasted on heating the outside jail and seating area. Let them shiver a bit.
Who do we like?
• Ben Adams who is still as beautiful as he was in his A1 boyband heyday. Furthermore, he speaks nicely, shies away from the celebrity carousel and seems polite.
• Verne Troyer, who was patronised to hell by Dav and the audience (his struggle with his bag was met with aaahs) but he seemed likable. We hope his evil schemes come off.
• Tommy Sheridan, the Scottish politician who seemed to attract boos for being a leftwing firebrand. Rather him than most of the bland politicians around these days. It could have been Lembit Opik!
• Ulrika Jonsson. We’ve never been inclined to jump aboard the anti-Ulrika bandwagon and hope she fares well. We suspect, however, that she may prove to be the most unhinged of the housemates so it could go either way.
Who don’t we like?
• Le Toya Jackson – we can just about cope with that freaky face and 1980s hair but that mouse-like giggle will set our teeth on edge and her “Oh my” catchphrase isn’t a winner.
• Tina Malone from Shameless who, we suspect will become very annoying, banging on about being “Scouse, fat and funny”. “She’s lost four stone this year,” Dav announced, which seems a bit unlikely just two days into 2009.
• Michelle Heaton but our dislike is based on stories of her being a bit of a cow in her Liberty X days so she could prove us wrong.
• Terry Christian who we loved on The Word but is too cocky by half. When he says he doesn’t care what people say about him, we suspect he cares very much.
Who do we hate?
• Coolio, the full-of-himself fool who was so rude he didn’t bother introducing himself (he had a big hit in 1995 with Gangsta’s Paradise and has made little impact since). How we wished one of the other housemates had been brave enough to ask: “So who the fuck are you?”
• Mutya, our least favourite Sugababe ever, who has covered her dumpy figure in 14 tattoos, speaks badly and seems very tiresome. She did score half a bonus point by diplomatically saying “It’s alright. It’s a bit of a hard name” when La Toya forgot it seconds after being told it.
• Lucy Pinder. Just as we were being shocked by seeing a girl who shows off her tits for a living actually having some intelligence, she spoiled it all by nailing her Tory Girl colours to the mast. She doesn’t like bleeding heart liberals or former drug addicts who talk about their recovery. Will attract votes from Daily Mail readers who wish they could be Daily Star readers.