1. (5) Howard. Adopts a face of exclamatory horror whenever someone on his team does something that’s not to his liking.
2. (7) Paula. Made one single error, and it was with some regret that Sir Alan fired her for the costings error that meant her team, despite having the superior product and sales, lost.
3. (1) James. The sort of person who wants to take every role in the play under the delusion that he can perform each role better than everyone else. Nick ‘praised’ him for trying to sell the products, and seemed to be doing quite a good job.
4. (11) Debra. Hewn from mahogany with granite for eyes and clothes made out of the hide of Ross Kemp, the hardest woman ever to appear on the Apprentice took a back seat.
5. (10) Yasmina. Was part of the biggest Apprentice misjudgement since the notorious chicken-scandal by Matt Lucas’ posh cousin. Determined that the blame should fall elsewhere she heaped responsibility on the confused Paula, and escaped, only to be told by Sir Alan that she would soon have to be project manager again.
6. (10) Katie. Her impressive sales technique was akin to a venomous snake injecting its fangs into the exposed credulity of the shoppers as they walked by. She would then flash a smile and pack them off with their soap and lotions.
7. (2) Lorraine. Acted as a kind of organic Treaty of Versailles between Kimberley and Philip as they clashed with all the intellectual force of splintered ship remains bobbing on the ocean waves.
8. (6) Mona. Manages to seem unhappy, and made a sole contribution when she tested out the soaps and lotions in the shower in one of those unnecessary efforts to sexualise the contestants.
9. (8) Kimberley. Unleashed her American soul into the Britishness of the Apprentice with her angular and demonstrative argument hands as she fought Philip. If he mouth had opened any wider she could have swallowed Nick’s sadistic delight at Paula’s team corroding the costs like a little Jonah.
10. (3) Philip. Possibly has a barroom brawl taking place in his mouth, with spilt cider flapping about his lips, glass ground into his bitter tongue, while an unruly teenager gets a lashing in his belligerent eyes. Spent much of the task bickering with Kimberley because she “doesn’t have an opinion”, yet the only opinion he actually expressed was that she didn’t have an opinion, making his opinion as impotent as a eunuch.
11. (4) Noorul. A bumbling back of incompetence as he sold the honeyed soap with all the grace of postman milking a dandelion for its nectar. Determined to sell he frogmarched half his team to an underground station where, bedecked as beekeepers, they resembled a hazmat team come to clean up a dirty bomb detonation than sellers of fragrant lotions.
12. (13) Ben. Continued to aggravate while resembling a rubbery tarpaulin that poverty-stricken parents have hired out for their daughter’s birthday party, unconcerned about the lack of safety certificate. Words come from his throat like podgy worms plucked from the seabed by underpaid teenage divers in East Asia.