Did we like it?
While TV’s equivalent of the pound shop, ITV, manage to entertain the nation (and Oprah Winfrey) with Britain’s Got Talent, those purveyors of quality at the BBC come up with another of their Saturday night light entertainment flops, stinking like five-day old fish.
What was good about it?
• ITV will be pleased that it puts them in a comparably good light and ensures that the return of Vernon Kay’s Beat the Star is, remarkably, not the worst light entertainment show of the weekend.
• McFly were on it.
• Lancashire’s “big ball of energy” Kelli wasn’t too hopeless as Tracey in Hairspray.
• Natalie from Torquay’s rabbit in headlights moment before she was discarded and forgotten about without even getting the chance to show herself up.
What was bad about it?
• John Barrowman is such a show off yet he’s outstanding at nothing, average at everything. Opening and closing the show with naff songs (I’m So Excited and Can’t Take My Eyes Off You not even up to Simon Cowell’s disparaging cruise ship standard) should have satisfied his ego yet he had to try to hog every other minute of this Jim’ll Fix It/Generation Game/holiday camp social juggernaut of a show.
• The title sequence – Barrowman throwing stardust at us – almost made is retch. “Your wish is his command,” the announcer said. We wished the programme would get cancelled after about 30 seconds. Our wish was not granted.
• The worst segment was the rip-off from Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. It’s called Stage Fright and featured Barrowman versus Matt Dawson (who has made a shameless transition from rugby to rentacelebdom) in a ball juggling contest of utter tedium.
• The Workplace Wonders singing segment, thrown in to provide an exciting competitive edge (how we yawned) which saw Surrey waitresses singing Candyman and seeing off the off-key challenge of London accountants struggling through Material Girl.
• Russell, the 16th highest scorer of all time for Tamworth FC, made to do some Cossack dancing for our entertainment (there was none).
• The consciously miserable teen band My Kid Brother trying not to get too excited about performing with McFly and wishing a hole would swallow them up when mum flew on to the stage.
• Kathryn Jenkins performing Kiss From A Rose for Rob from Birmingham airport because he’s a charitable chap.
• We had to wait 18 minutes – 18 long minutes – before we got to hear about a mum who had died of cancer. We’d almost switched off by then. In future, we want our sob stories right at the top of the show, otherwise we’re off to ITV.